Monday, October 29, 2007



The air conditioning isn't working. The heat keeps me up.


Only the sound of the fan whirring. Occasionally a dog barks in the distance. My body is damp and feverish above the sheets. I turn to my side and look out the window. More night. Not a star. Dark and frightening vortex.

Heat. Heat. Insufferable. I curse my body to feel.

My camisole sticks to my skin. I fling it off. It drops over the side of the bed onto the floor.

I need to move. Discomfort is making me impatient, restless. So I get up, walk over to the bathroom, and splash cool water onto myself. In the stillness that ensues I become afraid. As much as I love the darkness of night, I am still afraid of it. I never want to go blind.

I quickly walk back down the corridor. Then collision. My hip meets the angry jut of a table edge. Grimace. Darkness is cruel. A day later he sees the bruise and asks if it was him. No it wasn't you. He smiles. Then without warning, pulls me to him and bites me hard on the bruised hip. I cry out. He says he wants me, wants to possess. He shoves, grasps, is rough. But I want to possess too. I fight back, fling myself onto him. He throws me off. His shadow is above me, my arms are pinned. I make to knee him in the groin and he starts back. I manage to pounce on top of him again. The struggle continues. Wordless grunts and heavy breathing. Love and madness. The deathly expression. It stops when he has me by the neck , smashed up against the wall.

He waits to see what I will do next. I hold his gaze, and reach down without looking away. I find what I want. His strength fills my hand. Soon I can feel his ragged breath against my cheek. At one point his eyes seem to implore. Then he is far away. His grip around my neck tightens. I nearly choke. Then a final moan. Wetness against my thigh.

Our bodies fall away. The aftermath makes me feel lost, but he tells me, "I' ll have you yet."


Anonymous said... seems like you won this possession fight. But you ended up without what you really wanted?
And you had your man's man in your hand, yet he went far away to his own heaven, alone?

gypsy girl said...

I thought I knew what I wanted, but maybe what I thought I wanted just took something away.

Anonymous said...

What is it you really want? Beautiful love?
What was taken away?
Your dream of a beautiful love?

From your ending, it seems that both of you ended up hungry.

gypsy girl said...

Maybe that's it then, "hunger". I keep saying "maybe" cos I don't really know. Maybe what I really want is hunger itself: desire, the straining towards, the whole persistence of it that makes you feel alive. Hunger is more than dissatisfaction. It's delicious anticipation.

What was taken away...I guess he was, in the moment of his bliss when he went far away, when rapture was the only thing that radiated throughout his being, when he closed his eyes to find release and I lost him. But I had wanted it - his pleasure.

As for beautiful love, I think I already have it. For me beautiful love is the capacity to love.

But it's no good answering really. It's likely these answers are just fabrications. Don't believe what I say :)